Guest Blog : Should I end my marriage - Claire Black
I’m thrilled to share my space with fantastic Break up and Divorce Coach, Claire Black.
Claire discovered the benefits of Interiors Therapy for her own home and recognised the many ways in which the process could help both her clients and professional contacts in law and mediation who all have the same goal – a smooth, fair and respectful divorce.
Claire is the author of ‘Break Up From Crisis to Confidence’, a ‘must read’ for anyone considering divorce or struggling with the aftermath of ending a relationship. She coaches clients in the UK and internationally from her base in beautiful Somerset.
Should I end my marriage/relationship?
Before the end of my first relationship after my marriage ended, I spent months stuck feeling confused about whether I should leave or not. Although I was in a relationship I knew wasn’t making me happy, I had conflicting feelings.
I occasionally saw little glimpses of the partnership I had believed we would have, and I would feel hope that we could be fixed. I also felt afraid of being judged for having ‘another failed relationship’. The mixture of hope and fear of shame kept me stuck, even though deep-down, I knew that it just wasn’t right for me.
If you are in that place of feelings stuck, not sure whether to stay or go, end or continue, here are 5 questions to help you:
How will I feel in 5 years’ time if I stay and it is still the same?
If you keep doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same results. This is great if what you are doing is working, and you are happy in your relationship. But take a moment to consider how you will feel in 5 years if you do nothing, and nothing changes. What will you hear around you? What will you see? What will you feel?
What choices do I have?
Choices give you power – it’s when you feel you only have one option that you are stuck. Two options means you have a dilemma. Three or more options gives you choice, and the option to make a conscious decision.
So consider what choices you have. Perhaps they look something like this:
- I stay and nothing changes
- I stay and suggest that we work on our relationship together with a counsellor/coach
- I stay and I make changes to my own behaviour, to see if I get a different result
- I leave.
What do I value, and what could be improved?
Make two lists – one of the things you do like and value in your spouse and in your relationship, and one of the things you would like to change or be improved.
What does the picture look like? How do you feel when you look at your piece of paper? Does one list outweigh the other?
Are there things on one list that you can’t change? If you are honest, is what you are looking for a complete change in your spouse?
What are you willing to compromise on, or change in yourself? What would you be willing to commit to doing to improve the relationship?
Imagine your best friend sitting beside you? What would they say?
Sometimes your friends can see things that you can’t. I remember a friend asked me who I turned to for support. I reeled off a load of people, and she then observed that I hadn’t mentioned my partner. That shone a lightbulb on the situation for me, and within a week, I had asked him to leave.
Sometimes we need a lightbulb to go off, to ask the one question that will make all the difference.
What is the worst that could happen?
Ending a relationship or marriage can be fraught with fear, and so can staying in a marriage that isn’t happy.
Sometimes we can fear both leaving and staying. Leaving comes with fear of the unknown and staying might come with a fear that you will feel stuck forever. So you stay paralysed, unable to decide on one way or the other. Fear isn’t logical; it’s subconscious and it can be contradictory.
Facing your fears head on is challenging, but if you are honest with yourself about what your fears are, you can start to think logically about how to overcome them.
Take a big piece of paper and write down all your fears. Getting them out of your head and onto paper can be cathartic as it stops the fears swirling around inside your head.
Then ask yourself these questions:
- What could I do to overcome or mitigate this fear?
- What information do I need to become clear around this?
- Who could I talk to about this?
- Who could help me prepare?
- What choices or options do I have?
In my work as a Divorce Coach, I help you to find clarity and explore your options, in a safe space with empathy and understanding. I know how confusing and overwhelming it can be to feel stuck, and I know that you might have wrestled with this for months or even years.
So I hope my questions help you to gain some clarity, to explore your options, and to feel that you have choice.
Contact Claire Black at: www.claireblackcoaching.com
